I am home from my job, and you might think that's great, now you can do something you like for the day, but no, I am drained & sucked dry, the level of anxiety in my workplace is like a gigantic soul sucking vampire....and it's not just one or two people who cause the swell of tension, well, in a small way it is two particularly incompetent people...but the tension lasts because of everybody's reaction to those two people's anxiety.
Anyways, that's just the tip of the iceberg, the rest of my life is stable, and I am constantly educating myself, reading new things, I force myself to practice guitar, and I continue to enjoy my synthesizers and tone generators...but that's just hobby stuff.
When I step back and take a closer look at myself, i see a person who is safely tucked away from the world most of the time. I rarely meet new people, and when I do meet a random new person, they haven't really been a person who i would bond with.
My old friends around the country are all asking me to finally come and visit them, and I feel pressure not to be dick....but I am forced to choose who i can visit this year, and that is annoying.....because i have to give excuses to some and make promises to others. Then once i visit, it will suck to have to leave, because when I go home....what is my home?
Well, for one thing, my home is filled with thousands of dollars worth of studio equipment....which amounts to nothing....just a bunch of metal, and electronic stuff.
There is no love, and I can tell when i am lazy about working in my studio....it's like "what's the point", i am just killing time....until I die.
Not exactly, that sounds like Iam manic depressive or something.....or something. but what?
Picasso had his muses, and the result was his art.
My memories are faded, but i know that my creative spirit takes gigantic leaps and bounds when my life was different than it is today. Back when I let people into my heart.
I've been in this city for 8-9 years, and for personal reasons, I chose to take some time to learn about who exactly I was, to make some lifestyle changes, which i hoped would be for the better...and I think it's carried away a bit, because today, i struggle with my own self doubt on a daily basis, I know i cannot go on sheltered from the world...I am not benefiting from that...it's crystal clear, because I am such a chicken when it comes to approaching a new person, like a woman i might feel drawn to romantically, and even just as friends....all the let downs in my past have definitely formed a mental barrier... to help me avoid the phonies, and the bull shitters, and i can't forget the time wasters & lies...and to avoid heart-ache.
Maybe I need some heart ache to feel alive again?
Maybe I need to just take a chance on someone, and let them prove my introverted anxious brain wrong?
I would like to find other musical weirdos or sound alchemists who want to collaborate, and have some fun....but even that seems impossible.
Recently I have come face to face with the reality of my mental barriers, where it has taken me a long time to write a stranger an email, on a internet dating site...and even with a computer and the internet between us....I find myself far to nervous to make an impression on anyone other than a doctor.... sure, we all have to overcome our fears....but what the heck am I afraid of, other than things that make a person feel alive....I mean, i've lived through heart break, more than once, and sure it was terrible, and took what at the time seemed like forever to get over....but those experiences were always the ones that make the new good experiences feel so much better!
I am still only scratching at the surface, coming to grips with my feelings is not a simple task.
I don't think men come equipped with that skill, it has to be figured out, the hard way.
I really wish there was some sort of test that people could take that showed whether or not they were compatible...like a dna compatibility test.
Where it shows that the merger of the two people will produce a relationship that is greater than the sum of its parts.
I should just go crank up my amplifier and cause some hearing damage to myself, maybe that will help me feel alive for the time being.
Anyways, who the hell knows why certain people's influence can trigger a creative avalanche, like in Picasso's case. I don't recall all the names of his muses, oh, there's one....Francois Gilot, i think that's her last name, and of course Pablo had an entire 'period' in his artistic career inspired by his friendship & love for her.
I miss Victoria, just walking downtown, random strangers brush by me, and actually make eye contact, then even say "good morning" with a smile!!!!
That is something which has not happened to me here in southern ontario.
If I said good morning to a stranger, they would probably not know I was saying it to them, because they were looking at the ground, avoiding eye contact.
It's just a different place, different people, basically a different society.
I sure am glad I am going there soon.
Maybe after two weeks in Victoria, and/or Saltspring Island will be the theraputic break I need?
In my perfect world, i would just stay on Saltspring Island, and life would be real again....
Like the year that I lived in an old school bus, that was converted into a mini house, I had a bed, propane stove but no running water, and a wood burning stove for heat.
The days of waking up with the sun, and spending my days doing odd jobs around the island for money, and sketching, painting and writing everyday.
Nearly everybody I knew there was similar to me, creative, and sick of the rat race.
And now, I am here in Southern Ontario, and in 8-9 yrs, I have yet to meet a kindred spirit.
Allright, enough of this, time to make my ears bleed....
