I unearthed a stack of journals, and piles of loose paper, on them bore the scribbles and thoughts from my manic youth.
This is a simple & honest journal entry, written in winter 1990 while i lived in an apartment in downtown Oakville,Ontario....
Decisions of Consequence
It was a cold day. The air feels and the sky looked, cold. Walking outside I felt empty. "What should I do?" i thought to myself as I stood outside my door, contemplating the day ahead. Indeed a decision which came with great consequences, but one I should make before I freeze out here!
I begin to walk, alone, down my street towards the main strip two blocks away. A few people were filtering around the street corner. A drug dealer and old people waiting for the bus. A block away I can see the neighborhood foot patrol policeman talking to some guy sitting on the curb.
I turn and head south when i reach the intersection. At the variety store I grab smokes.
Outside, lighting a cigarette, then inhaling as deep as possible, on the exhale i notice my friend Mike sneaking up beside me in a vain attempt to surprise me...it didn't work.
Without words being said, we head downtown, and find warmth within minutes sitting on our stools at 'our' bar.
Mike reaches over and fills two high ball glasses with draft, then while handing me one he drains the other down his throat in seconds flat and proceeds to fill the glass a second time.
Our friend owns and runs the bar, and although refuses to let us have 'free pints', he has no problem with us filling up the smaller 'high ball' glasses, a hundred times daily!
This is Mike's job; pouring draft glasses for the downtown daytime drunks, every town has at least one, a dark & gloomy shithole with patrons ranging from underage kids, to old alcoholic men...
And so, we drink & smoke, and talk for about three hours before I decide that I am drunk, and I should go.
Like a new scene in the movies, moments later i am outside in this ungodly cold. I can see my breath, like smoke exhaling, and my nose is frozen within minutes.
I feel like i am staggering, my head is spinning, round & round. Lately I've been noticing differences in me when i drink.
I figure it must be those pills I take for pain...I just learned that codeine & morphine doesn't mix with booze very well!
I get my stability back and finally make it home.
Slowly I remove my jacket, boots, emptying my pockets on the counter top and climb into my bed.
Laying there within the warmth of my comforter I think to myself; a reflection of my day and have a moment of clarity when I realize that my greatest fault just had to be 'decision making'.
And now I must face the consequences of my actions because I am still unemployed and collecting welfare...leaving me cold, worthless and empty inside.
It's really interesting for me to read my inner thoughts from almost exactly 20 years ago. The places I have been, the experiences and stuggles, as well as the truimphs. It's a tremendous feeling to look back and sigh relief, when I can say that I've come a long way from the kid I was then, to the man I am today....sure I am still struggling, but they are different struggles, I know who I am today, and I hadn't a clue back then...I am happy to be alive today, and I wanted to die back then.
ReplyDeletePersevere and everything passes by, learn from everything that happens, and try and not take the same path twice...but that's a tough one, because I am only human and it is only human to err....I am outa here.